Compromise: A Gift for Your Relationship

When it comes to building and maintaining a healthy relationship, learning to compromise is key. Compromise allows us to navigate conflicts and differing opinions in a way that is respectful and beneficial for both parties involved. It helps us to understand and accept each other’s perspectives and find common ground.

But how do we go about compromising in a way that is effective and beneficial for our relationship? Here are some tips to keep in mind:

Recognize What the Common Goals Are

John and Clarissa feel as though they are at an impasse. John is insisting that their young son, Marcus, is in bed by 7:45 p.m. every night without fail and is frustrated when evening schedules are off. Clarissa worries that the rigidity is going to cause problems in the future by not helping Marcus develop an ability to adapt to his surroundings. The conflict often leaves both parties feeling irritated with their partner at the end of the night.

The first step in compromising is to identify the commonality of the goals that both parties have. Ask the question, “What is it that we both want to achieve?”

In this instance, John and Clarissa both want Marcus to feel safe and secure in his home and routine while setting him up for success in the future. After realizing that their goals are the same, John and Clarissa created a bedtime window that allowed both the flexibility and structure each partner craved and decreased the negative feelings they experienced each night.

By focusing on the end goal, you can work together to find a solution that meets both of your needs.

Learn to "Get to the Yes"

When in a conflict, it's easy to get stuck in a "victor and vanquished" mentality. But compromise isn't about winning or losing; it's about finding a solution that works for everyone. Instead of focusing on whether you agree or disagree, try asking "how can we make this work?" This shift in mindset can open up new possibilities and help to find a solution that is mutually beneficial.

Nick and Lucy are planning to get married but Nick has one big reservation. Nick has been frugal his entire career and has generated a large nest egg of savings that he doesn’t want to touch. Lucy likes to spend her money. She uses it for nice vacations and doing fun outings that are important to her. Both are excited to combine their salaries but Lucy is worried that Nick will only want to squirrel money away into retirement funds that can’t be accessed for years to come and Nick is worried that Lucy wants to spend every dime they bring in.

There isn’t a winner or a loser in this situation. Asking, “How do we make this work?” brings this couple to the conclusion that creating a budget where both savings and vacations have buckets to contribute to allows both Nick and Lucy a chance to spend their money in a responsible and fun way.

Is There a Temporary Solution?

Sometimes, finding a long-term solution to a problem can be difficult. In these situations, it can be helpful to find a temporary solution that can be implemented until a more permanent one can be found. This can help to alleviate any immediate stress or tension and give both parties time to think about a more permanent solution.

Mixed-faith relationships can be hard to navigate and compromise is not always easy. Jordan accesses their higher power in nature and doesn’t see the point in attending worship services within the walls of a church building, while Anthony is devoted to his congregation. They have two children and figuring out how to foster and support their own spiritual journeys has become a point of frustration within their relationship. As a compromise, Anthony takes the kids to church every other week while Jordan takes them on the off weeks to go camping, hiking, or spend time with her in nature. They have agreed to do this while the children are young and will revisit the discussion as the kids grow and are able to make up their own minds about their faith.

Ask About Your Partner's "Core Needs" Surrounding the Situation

When it comes to compromising, it's important to understand what is most important to your partner. Ask them about their "core needs" surrounding the situation. These core needs often involve a person's values and beliefs and can be essential to their well-being. What are they needing to have met in order for them to feel satisfied with the outcome? By understanding their needs, you can work together to find a solution that meets both of your core needs and aligns with your values and beliefs.

Learning to compromise is a gift for your relationship. It helps navigate conflicts and differing opinions in a way that is respectful and beneficial for both parties involved. By recognizing what the common goals are, learning to "get to the yes" questions, finding a temporary solution, and asking about your partner's "core needs" surrounding the situation, you can work together to find a solution that meets both of your needs.