Your Nervous System on Motherhood
When a stressful event happens, we may have a response. It is helpful to think about this response in terms of how our nervous system is responding to the events, instead of only considering our thoughts or cognitive state. Our nervous system responses are subconscious, automatic, and out of our cognitive control. This is our "inner surveillance system" trying to keep us alive.
There are three parts main parts of this response, making up what is called the autonomic hierarchy.
1. Ventral Vagal - When we are functioning in this highest state, our other two lower systems are functioning as well. We feel at ease, comfortable, the world seems welcoming and we feel connected to those around us.
2. Sympathetic Activation - When an event triggers our sympathetic system to activate, the ventral vagal system goes offline. We move into a protective mode. We approach the world with caution, wondering if connection is safe. Our heart rate speeds up, cortisol increases, and our body may be preparing us for a flight/fight/freeze/fawn response.
3. Dorsal Vagal System - With added or chronic stressors, we may move down to the dorsal vagal system; when this system is the only one left functioning, we feel numb, withdrawn, shut down, and have digestive issues.
There are a lot of triggers to our nervous system in motherhood! Some I have experienced are- a crying baby, kids screaming at each other, long lazy days in summer with monotony and whining kids, and feeling like you need to relax but you can't even pee without little fingers under the door. When one of the above events happens, think about the story you tell yourself. Is it, "I should always be able to handle everything perfectly when my kids fight?" or "I love my kids so why does it drive me crazy when they won't leave me alone?" or "I should be enjoying every minute of this mom thing so why does this minute feel like absolute hell?"
We want to step into a new story, of, “My nervous system has become dysregulated. I notice what is happening and will work towards regulation.” We also want to stop taking things so personally. When our baby cries and our heart speeds up and we start to feel agitated, that is not a personal thing with us or our baby. Just two nervous systems responding to each other. And because babies can't regulate on their own they are relying on us, which makes our nervous system under more stress! So we have to take extra good care of our nervous system. If you can regulate it's going to make it easier for your kids to regulate. Notice what happens in your body when these triggers take place and notice the story you are telling yourself about your response.
When the sympathetic or dorsal vagal system takes over, we may be hyperaroused or hypoaroused. When we are hyper aroused, we want to come back into regulation through things that slow our system down, like mindfulness, grounding, deep breaths, holding ice, cold water, or a breathing exercise called sheetali. When we are hypoaroused we want to come back into regulation through things that speed our system up, such as 30 seconds of physical activity (like jumping jacks), singing/dancing, or the fast nadi shodna breath.
By practicing these activities, we can increase our vagal tone. If we have high vagal tone, it’s quicker and easier for us to flow between these states; if we have low vagal tone is slower and harder to switch states. Increasing our vagal tone is associated with many positive health outcomes like lower blood pressure, better digestion, less risk of cardiovascular disease and stroke, and overall better ability to recover after experiencing stress.
If we've had trauma in our adult lives or in our childhood, we may be used to living in these lower two states. During trauma, opportunities for connection and regulation are not available. Our kids can retrigger that trauma and those old stories because children are very needy! I've seen the idea float around that we have to heal all our trauma and heal ourselves before we are in a relationship or have kids. This is not realistic because some opportunities (aka triggers) for healing are only present in a relationship or with our kids. In addition to noticing triggers, we can look out for glimmers. A glimmer is the opposite of a trigger in that it helps you move up the autonomic hierarchy. Glimmers can be moments of connection, regulation, safety, or care that you experience. Success in motherhood is not never being triggered, it is trying to consciously work through our triggers to regulate ourselves and co-regulate with our kids.
References
Dana, Deb. (2020). Polyvagal Flip Chart. Norton Professional Books.
Zakrajsek, Lauren. (2020). What Happens in Vagus: Jump-start Recovery by Increasing Vagal Tone https://www.nifs.org/blog/what-happens-in-vagus-jump-start-recovery-by-increasing-vagal-tone