Living With Chronic Illness: When You Feel Like a Burden to the People You Love

Chronic Illness Therapy in Lehi, Utah

“I hate feeling like everyone has to plan around me.”

Maybe you were supposed to go out to dinner tonight, but your symptoms have been getting worse all afternoon. You know that if you push through, you'll probably pay for it tomorrow.

So you send another text.

“I'm so sorry. I'm not feeling great. I don't think I can make it.”

Your friends are understanding. They tell you to rest and feel better. Nobody seems particularly upset.

But you still feel terrible.

You're tired of canceling. Tired of needing help. Tired of watching everyone rearrange their plans because your body won't cooperate.

And you can't help wondering whether the people you love are getting tired of it, too.

When chronic illness comes with guilt

Living with a chronic illness often means making decisions that other people don't have to think twice about.

Can you commit to something next weekend? Will you have enough energy to make dinner? Can you go on the family vacation everyone is excited about? How much will today's activities affect you tomorrow?

Even on a good day, you may find yourself calculating how much you can reasonably manage.

And when you have to change plans, the guilt can be immediate.

You apologize for canceling. You apologize for needing a ride. You apologize when your partner has to pick up another household responsibility.

After a while, you might begin apologizing for having needs at all.

That guilt can be especially difficult when the people around you are genuinely supportive. Nobody has complained. Nobody has asked you to apologize. But you notice everything they're doing to accommodate you, and you wish you could make their lives a little easier.

“They deserve someone who can do more.”

Chronic illness can change the way you experience your relationships.

Maybe your partner has taken on more responsibilities at home. Your friends have stopped suggesting activities that require a lot of energy. Your children occasionally miss out on something you'd planned together.

You know these people love you.

But you remember how things used to be, and you miss being able to participate without thinking about your symptoms.

Sometimes that sadness turns into thoughts you're uncomfortable admitting.

“My partner deserves someone who can keep up with them.”

“I feel like I'm letting my kids down.”

“My friends probably think I'm making excuses.”

“I'm tired of everyone having to take care of me.”

You may even begin pulling away from people because accepting another invitation means risking another cancellation.

The American Psychological Association emphasizes the importance of social support when navigating difficult life circumstances. But maintaining those connections can feel complicated when you're worried about becoming a burden.

And the more isolated you become, the harder it can be to talk openly about what you're experiencing.

Grieving the life you thought you'd have

There's another part of chronic illness that can be difficult to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it.

You may be grieving a life that still exists, but looks very different from the one you imagined.

Maybe you used to love hiking, and now you aren't sure how far you can walk.

Maybe you had a career you were excited about, but your symptoms have made working difficult.

Maybe you've always been the person who takes care of everyone else, and now you're the one who needs help.

Or maybe you feel like you've lost the freedom to make ordinary plans without wondering how your body will respond.

Those changes can affect your identity, your relationships and the way you picture your future.

And sometimes you're grieving several things at once.

You miss your independence. You miss being spontaneous. You miss having energy left at the end of the day. You miss feeling confident that your body will allow you to do the things you've planned.

You might even feel guilty about grieving those losses because you know there are people dealing with more severe illnesses.

Grief doesn't require you to compare your circumstances with anyone else's.

If your illness has changed parts of your life that were meaningful to you, those changes deserve attention.

You may find our article on

navigating grief and acceptance

helpful as you explore what it means to live with circumstances you cannot always change.

When you start treating your needs like an inconvenience

Over time, the guilt surrounding chronic illness can change how you communicate with the people around you.

You might minimize your symptoms because you don't want anyone to worry.

You might insist that you're fine when you really need help.

You might agree to plans you know will be difficult because you're afraid of disappointing someone.

Or you might wait until you're completely overwhelmed before admitting how much you're struggling.

Sometimes you begin making decisions based on what will inconvenience other people the least, even when those decisions come at a considerable cost to you.

This can create tension in relationships.

Your partner may wish you'd tell them what you need earlier. You may feel guilty asking for more help when they're already doing so much.

Both of you may be frustrated with circumstances neither of you chose.

Having honest conversations about those feelings can be difficult, particularly when you're already exhausted.

Relationships often need to adjust alongside the practical realities of illness. Making room to discuss those changes can help partners and family members better understand one another.

How therapy can help when you're living with chronic illness

Sometimes you need somewhere to talk about how hard this has been without feeling responsible for managing anyone else's reaction.

You may have family and friends who love you deeply and still find yourself holding back because you don't want to worry them or add to what they're already carrying.

Therapy gives you an opportunity to talk openly about those feelings.

Depending on your circumstances, counseling for chronic illness may focus on several areas.

Guilt and self-worth. If you've spent years measuring your value by how much you can accomplish or how much you do for others, needing help can bring up difficult feelings. Therapy can help you examine those beliefs and develop a different relationship with your needs and limitations.

Grief and identity changes. You may need time to process the activities, opportunities or independence you've lost. You may also be figuring out what matters most to you now and how you want to spend your energy.

Anxiety and uncertainty. When symptoms are unpredictable, making plans can become stressful. Therapy can help you explore how uncertainty affects your decisions and develop ways to cope with the anxiety surrounding it.

Relationships and communication. If you've been afraid to ask for help or feel resentful about how your responsibilities have changed, counseling can help you explore those feelings and communicate more openly with the people close to you.

Different therapeutic approaches may be useful depending on your needs. For example, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) focuses on developing psychological flexibility, making room for difficult experiences and taking actions that reflect your values.

You can read more in our article,

Understanding Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

Therapy can be an important part of your support system alongside the medical care you're receiving.

Finding support for chronic illness in Lehi, Utah

If you've been living with chronic illness and struggling with guilt, grief or changes in your relationships, we'd love to help you find support.

At Roots & Branches Wellness, we have therapists who understand that living with an ongoing health condition can affect nearly every part of your life.

Meet Melissa Pierce

Student therapist | Supervised by Laura Parry, LCSW, PMH-C

Melissa supports clients navigating chronic illness, postpartum mental health, emotional regulation, and family and relationship challenges. She brings 14 years of experience in child and family services, case management, and crisis intervention.

Roots & Branches Wellness

Learn more about Melissa and her approach to therapy

Whether you're struggling with the guilt of needing help, grieving the changes chronic illness has brought to your life, or looking for somewhere to talk honestly about your experience, we're here to support you.

To ask about working with Melissa or another therapist at Roots & Branches Wellness, contact our office.

Email hello@rootsbrancheswellness.com or call or text 385-352-3251.