The holidays have a way of making absence louder.
Maybe it’s the empty chair at Thanksgiving.
The recipe they always made.
The ornament with their name on it.
The song they loved.
The person everyone instinctively looks for when something funny happens.
Or maybe nothing dramatic happens at all.
You’re sitting in a room full of people you love, everyone is talking, dinner is on the table, the house is warm—
and suddenly all you can think is:
They should be here.
Grief can feel different during the holidays.
Not necessarily because you are “going backward.”
Not because you should be doing better by now.
Sometimes the season is simply filled with reminders.
The American Psychological Association notes that holidays often amplify grief, especially because they are so strongly connected with traditions, family, memory, and togetherness. Even years after a loss, certain dates and rituals can bring feelings back to the surface.
“I thought I was doing better.”
This thought can catch people off guard.
Maybe the loss happened months ago.
Maybe it happened years ago.
You have gone back to work.
You can talk about the person without crying every time.
There are days when life feels normal again.
Then Thanksgiving comes.
Or Christmas music starts playing.
Or someone asks who is coming to dinner.
And suddenly it feels fresh.
Grief does not follow a clean timeline.
Mayo Clinic notes that birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, and other meaningful reminders can bring grief back intensely, even long after a death. These reactions do not necessarily mean someone has lost progress. They often reflect how meaningful the relationship was.
That can be hard to remember when you find yourself crying in the grocery store because you saw their favorite candy.
Or when a holiday tradition you’ve done a hundred times suddenly feels completely different.
Sometimes it really is the empty chair
People grieving during the holidays often describe this very literally.
One person wrote about their second Thanksgiving without their dad and how simply seeing his empty chair brought everything back. They missed his jokes, his commentary during the parade, and the tiny rituals that made Thanksgiving feel like Thanksgiving.
Another person described visiting family after losing their partner and noticing the empty chair all weekend. What hurt most was that nobody talked about it until they finally brought it up and everyone cried together.
That is often what grief looks like.
It is not only missing a person in an abstract way.
It is missing the particular way they occupied your life.
The sound of their laugh.
The text they would have sent.
The dish they would have brought.
The seat they would have taken.
The story they would have told for the fiftieth time.
You may not miss “the holidays.”
You may miss who the holidays used to include.
You can be grateful and grieving at the same time
This can be one of the strangest parts of holiday grief.
You may genuinely enjoy parts of the day.
You may laugh.
You may love seeing your children open presents.
You may have a wonderful dinner.
You may feel deeply grateful for the people who are still here.
And then you may go into the bathroom and cry.
Those experiences do not cancel each other out.
The holidays are often portrayed as if they are supposed to contain one emotion:
Joy.
But real life is rarely that simple.
APA research has found that people commonly experience positive emotions like joy and connection during the holidays while also feeling stress, sadness, loneliness, or grief.
You do not have to decide whether the holiday is “happy” or “sad.”
It can be both.
The first holiday can be especially hard
The first Thanksgiving.
The first Christmas morning.
The first birthday.
The first family photo.
The first time someone else carves the turkey.
The first time you realize nobody bought the gift they always brought.
There are so many “firsts” after a death that people around you may not even notice.
One person grieving their mother described the realization that Christmas would never feel like “home” in quite the same way again.
That feeling can be difficult to explain.
Sometimes the loss is not only the person.
It is the version of your family that existed when they were alive.
The traditions.
The roles.
The assumptions.
The feeling that certain people would always be there.
You do not have to celebrate exactly the way you used to
Sometimes families feel pressure to keep every tradition intact after a loss.
That can feel comforting.
It can also feel unbearable.
You are allowed to decide what feels supportive this year.
Maybe you make their recipe.
Maybe you don’t.
Maybe you put their photo on the table.
Maybe seeing the photo would be too painful.
Maybe everyone tells stories about them.
Maybe you need a break from talking about them for an hour.
Maybe you keep every tradition.
Maybe you change almost everything.
Mayo Clinic recommends allowing grief to guide how much or how little you participate, rather than forcing yourself into activities simply because they are traditional. Remembering a loved one through stories, food, photos, or rituals can be meaningful, but only if it actually feels supportive to you.
There is no single correct way to honor someone.
Sometimes other people stop talking about them
This can hurt almost as much as the holiday itself.
People may be afraid they will make you sad by bringing up the person who died.
They may not know what to say.
They may think enough time has passed.
So everyone avoids their name.
And you sit there thinking:
I am already thinking about them.
Not mentioning them did not make you forget.
For some grieving people, hearing stories and saying the person's name can feel deeply comforting.
For others, it may feel too raw.
Both responses are valid.
If you want to talk about your person, you are allowed to begin.
You might say:
“I've been thinking about Dad a lot today.”
“I miss the way Mom used to do this.”
“Can we tell stories about her for a minute?”
You do not have to pretend the loss isn't in the room just because everyone else seems unsure what to do with it.
And sometimes you really do want a distraction
There can also be pressure to “feel your feelings” perfectly.
Grief does not require you to spend the entire holiday reflecting.
You are allowed to watch a ridiculous movie.
Play a game.
Go for a walk.
Laugh.
Leave the gathering early.
Take a nap.
Eat pie.
Talk about something completely unrelated.
Needing a break from grief does not mean you love the person less.
Grieving is exhausting.
Rest can be part of it too.
What can help when grief feels heavier during the holidays?
There is no formula, but a few things may make the season feel more manageable.
Decide what you actually have capacity for
You do not have to attend every event.
You do not have to stay all day.
You do not have to host.
You can change plans.
Your capacity may be different this year.
Tell someone what you need
Maybe you want someone to check on you.
Maybe you want an exit plan.
Maybe you want your sibling to sit next to you at dinner.
Maybe you want permission to leave if it gets overwhelming.
People often want to help and simply do not know how.
Make room for the person who is missing, if you want to
Cook their favorite food.
Light a candle.
Play their favorite song.
Tell one story.
Hang an ornament.
Visit somewhere meaningful.
Or simply say their name.
Let the day be imperfect
You may cry at a strange moment.
Someone may say something awkward.
You may feel fine all morning and fall apart at night.
There is no grade for how well you handle a holiday after loss.
Grief can include more than death
Holiday grief can also show up around losses that are less visible.
A divorce.
A family estrangement.
A pregnancy loss.
A relationship that ended.
A child who cannot come home.
A parent whose health or memory has changed.
A faith community you are no longer part of.
A version of your family that no longer exists.
Sometimes everyone around you is celebrating, and you are grieving something they do not even realize you lost.
That grief still deserves space.
When grief starts to feel too heavy to carry alone
Many people move through grief with support from friends, family, faith or community, and time.
Sometimes grief becomes harder to navigate alone.
You might notice that you are isolating more than you want to.
You may feel anxious about upcoming gatherings weeks in advance.
You may feel stuck in guilt, anger, numbness, or sadness.
You may find yourself wishing you had somewhere to say the things you do not want to say at the holiday table.
Therapy can give you space for that.
Not to rush grief.
Not to help you “get over it.”
But to help you understand what the loss has changed, what you need now, and how to keep living while still carrying love for someone or something you miss.
Grief counseling and support groups can be especially helpful when the holiday season intensifies feelings of loss.
Grief counseling in Lehi, Utah
If the holidays feel different this year, you do not have to force yourself to be cheerful through all of it.
Maybe this is your first holiday without someone you love.
Maybe it is your tenth.
Maybe the grief is connected to a loss nobody else seems to understand.
You are allowed to miss them.
You are allowed to enjoy parts of the season.
You are allowed to change the traditions.
And you are allowed to ask for support when it feels heavy.
You do not have to make grief disappear in order to make room for life again.
