You finally made the appointment.
You filled out the paperwork.
You sat down with someone you had never met before and tried to explain pieces of your life that may have taken years to understand yourself.
Then you left and thought:
“Was that… good?”
Maybe your therapist seemed kind, but the conversation felt awkward.
Maybe you liked them, but you aren't sure whether liking your therapist is the same thing as having a good therapist.
Maybe you left thinking about something they said and wondered whether feeling challenged is a good sign or a bad one.
Or maybe there was nothing obviously wrong.
You just didn't feel quite comfortable.
If you've never been to therapy before, figuring out whether a therapist is a good fit can be surprisingly difficult.
You don't have another therapy relationship to compare it to.
And the first session is already unusual: you're talking about personal things with a stranger while simultaneously trying to decide whether you trust that stranger enough to come back next week.
So how are you supposed to know?
The relationship with your therapist really does matter
Researchers often use the term therapeutic alliance to describe the working relationship between a therapist and client.
That includes things like whether you feel understood, whether you and your therapist agree on what you're working toward, and whether it feels like you're working together rather than sitting on opposite sides of the room trying to figure each other out.
A large meta-analysis involving more than 30,000 therapy clients found a consistent relationship between stronger therapeutic alliance and better treatment outcomes. Other research has found that this connection remains even after researchers account for other characteristics of the client and the therapy itself.
In other words, the relationship isn't just the pleasant part of therapy before the “real work” starts.
It is part of the work.
That doesn't mean you need to immediately think:
“I want this person to be my best friend.”
It means you need enough trust, safety, and collaboration to do something that can feel deeply vulnerable.
The first session can feel weird
This part is important.
Sometimes the first appointment feels awkward because the therapist isn't right for you.
Sometimes it feels awkward because you're sitting across from a stranger who just asked about your childhood.
Those are very different things.
The first session often involves gathering history, talking about what brought you to therapy, reviewing policies, discussing goals, and trying to understand the bigger picture of your life.
It may not feel like the therapy sessions you imagined.
People frequently describe leaving their first appointment wondering whether the awkwardness meant something was wrong. Others say they needed two or three sessions before they could really understand the therapist's style.
So you don't necessarily need fireworks after session one.
But there are some things worth paying attention to.
Do you feel like they are actually listening?
Think about the conversation after you leave.
Did you feel like your therapist was curious about your experience?
Did they let you finish your thoughts?
Did they ask questions that helped them understand you better?
Did their responses seem connected to what you were actually saying?
You may not feel completely understood after one hour. Nobody can understand your whole life that quickly.
But you should begin to get a sense that your therapist is trying to understand your experience rather than fitting you into a conclusion they've already reached.
One person describing a disappointing first therapy experience said the therapist frequently interrupted and jumped ahead before they could finish explaining their concerns. That left them feeling rushed and wondering whether the relationship would work.
That feeling is worth noticing.
Can you imagine telling this person the harder stuff?
You do not have to reveal everything immediately.
Trust often develops slowly.
But ask yourself:
Could I imagine eventually telling this person something embarrassing?
Could I admit that I'm angry at someone I love?
Could I talk about something I'm ashamed of?
Could I say something I don't fully understand yet?
Could I tell them if something they said bothered me?
Could I disagree with them?
That last one can be especially important.
Therapy can include conversations that are uncomfortable. A therapist may notice a pattern you hadn't seen before or ask a question you would rather avoid.
Feeling uncomfortable does not automatically mean the therapist is a poor fit.
But there is a difference between:
“That question made me think about something difficult.”
and
“I don't feel safe being honest with this person.”
Pay attention to that difference.
Does their style work for you?
Therapists can have very different personalities and approaches.
Some are warm and conversational.
Some are quiet and reflective.
Some ask a lot of questions.
Some give more direct feedback.
Some use humor.
Some give homework.
Some focus heavily on what is happening in the present.
Others spend more time understanding your history.
There isn't one personality that makes someone a good therapist.
The question is whether their style helps you engage in therapy.
One person discussing therapist fit online explained that they don't respond well to “tough love” and need a gentler approach. Someone else wondered whether they needed a therapist they personally clicked with or whether being challenged by someone different might actually be useful.
You are allowed to have preferences.
You may want someone more direct.
You may need someone softer.
You may feel more comfortable with someone who understands your cultural background, family experience, identity, faith background, parenting experience, or particular concern.
Those preferences can be part of finding a therapist you can work with.
Do they understand what you came in for?
Therapists don't all specialize in the same areas.
Someone may be a wonderful therapist and still not be the best therapist for what you're facing.
If you're looking for support with postpartum mental health, infertility, OCD, trauma, couples work, chronic illness, grief, faith transitions, or another specific issue, it is reasonable to ask whether your therapist has experience working with that concern.
You can ask questions like:
“Do you work with this often?”
“What approach do you usually use for this?”
“What might therapy look like for someone dealing with what I'm experiencing?”
You aren't interviewing them for a job in a formal sense.
But you are trying to decide whether this is someone you want to trust with something important.
You are allowed to ask questions.
Do you feel like you're working together?
Good therapy shouldn't feel like someone is simply telling you what to do with your life.
You and your therapist may bring very different expertise into the room.
Your therapist brings training, clinical experience, tools, questions, and perspective.
You bring something equally important:
Your actual life.
Your relationships.
Your values.
Your history.
Your limits.
Your goals.
The therapeutic alliance includes collaboration around both the goals of therapy and how you are going to work toward them. Research on psychotherapy has repeatedly linked that alliance with better outcomes.
You should gradually have some sense of:
“We are working on this together.”
What if I like my therapist but therapy feels hard?
This is where “good fit” can get confusing.
A good therapist won't necessarily make every session comfortable.
You may cry.
You may feel irritated.
You may notice something about yourself you would rather not notice.
You may leave a session thinking about a conversation for the rest of the day.
There can even be moments when the relationship itself feels strained.
Researchers call these moments alliance ruptures — periods of tension, disconnection, disagreement, or misunderstanding between therapist and client. Recent research continues to find that unresolved ruptures are associated with poorer outcomes, which is one reason repair and honest communication in therapy can be important.
So the question isn't whether you ever feel uncomfortable with your therapist.
A better question may be:
What happens when something feels uncomfortable between us?
Can you talk about it?
Do they become defensive?
Do they get curious?
Do they listen?
Can the two of you work through it?
Sometimes telling your therapist, “Something you said last week didn't sit right with me,” can become one of the most meaningful conversations you have in therapy.
How long should I give a new therapist?
There isn't a universal number.
Sometimes you know immediately that something isn't right.
Other times the first appointment is mostly intake, and it takes another session or two before you get a real sense of how your therapist works. People commonly describe needing a few meetings before deciding whether the relationship feels right.
You might give it a little time if:
The first session simply felt awkward or unfamiliar.
You were nervous and had trouble talking.
Most of the appointment involved intake questions.
You like the therapist but aren't sure yet.
You want to see what a more typical session feels like.
You may want to reconsider sooner if you repeatedly feel dismissed, judged, rushed, misunderstood, pressured, or unable to speak honestly.
And if something feels seriously inappropriate or crosses a professional boundary, you do not owe the relationship extra sessions just to be polite.
“What if I hurt their feelings by switching therapists?”
This stops more people than you might think.
You finally worked up the courage to start therapy.
Your therapist seems nice.
Now you're imagining saying:
“I think I need someone else.”
And suddenly you feel like you're breaking up with someone.
You are allowed to choose a different therapist.
A therapist can be skilled, thoughtful, and wonderful at their job and still not be the therapist you work best with.
Finding someone else doesn't require turning the first therapist into a villain.
You can simply decide:
“I don't think this is the right fit for me.”
If you feel comfortable, you can talk with your therapist about what isn't working. Sometimes that conversation helps.
Sometimes you still decide to change therapists.
Both are okay.
Questions to ask yourself after a few sessions
Instead of asking only:
“Do I like my therapist?”
Try asking:
Do I feel listened to?
Can I be honest here?
Do I feel respected?
Does my therapist seem to understand what I'm hoping to work on?
Can I ask questions?
Can I disagree?
Do I feel judged, or do I feel curious about myself?
Does this therapist's communication style work for me?
Do I understand, at least generally, what we're working toward?
Can I imagine talking about the parts of my life that feel harder to say out loud?
You don't need a perfect yes to every question after two appointments.
You're looking for a relationship that feels like it has room to grow.
Finding a therapist in Lehi, Utah
Choosing a therapist can feel surprisingly personal.
You aren't just choosing credentials from a list.
You're choosing the person you may eventually talk to about your marriage, your childhood, your anxiety, your grief, your body, your parenting, your beliefs, your relationships, your shame, or the things you haven't figured out how to name yet.
It makes sense to want someone who feels like a good fit.
Roots & Branches Wellness offers therapy in Lehi, Utah for adults, couples, teens, and families. Our therapists have experience supporting clients with anxiety, relationships, maternal mental health, infertility, grief, identity and self-worth, chronic illness, life transitions, faith and spirituality, and other concerns.
If you aren't sure who to schedule with, you don't have to figure that out alone.
You can learn more about our therapists, explore their specialties and approaches, or contact Roots & Branches Wellness for help finding someone who may fit what you're looking for.
The first therapist you meet doesn't have to be “the one.”
You just need somewhere you can begin being honest.
